38th tomorrow

 Realizations this year:

1. Be grateful for everything and for everything

that goes along your way. 

2. Patience is a virtue. 

3. Pray without ceasing. 

4. Protect your inner peace at all cost.

5. Nothing in the wordly standard can gauge

how valuable is God's love for you as His child. 

You are precious.

6. Complain is poison.

7. Love unconditionally.

8. Young ones can be teachers too. Listen to them. 

9. Be respectful, kind and appreciative of the people

around you. 

10. Pay it forward. 

I thank God for all the beautiful and not so beautiful things that happened in my life. 

It is truly precious time to manifest and open your hands to the blessings you deserve as God's child. 

Never be afraid to claim it. 

You  are precious.

You are beautiful.

You are loved. 

When you are right but the consequences tell you are wrong

 I deactivated my social media accounts, except for youtube.

I am mad as hell realizing that the support I needed was never available.

I am upset to receive an advise to go back quickly to the perpetrator and reconcile asap.

I am upset because I know how the people will respond on what happened to me==which is I deserve it because of my fucking mouth. Same reaction when someone was also beaten few years ago. 

In as much as I want to take my life-- I can't be certain on the future of my kids. But if I stay here, I am not confident that I can provide them with good life only by myself.

When I thought I was doing the right things, I am being punished. 

The memory of a time that I stood up for my brother and told that my parents are the ones who allowed them to go out and now they are angry and both of them beat me up.

Same fucking story of how I stood up for something I know is right -- and I am beaten up.

So I think-- i failed in this life.

I feel so disappointed, hopeless and everything that I do is pointless.

Death Started Yesterday

 When you are recuperating from a trauma, you are obviously confused, angry, emotional.

The childish feelings are all coming back.

You are standing on your ground that you are just doing the 'right' thing yet you were victimized. You lose your self worth, you lose your sense of focus, you lose your reason for living. 

All the good things can only be summarized into I cannot let that happen again -- I need to get out of the situation. 

But what if you can't? Because of the pandemic, because of the expectations, because of the fear because you don't want to let down anyone? Making a decision on working a marriage is HARD. Because you know that you cannot lose your face in front of people. So many expectations of you. You think it is you are the reason why you deserve the violence. You feel so betrayed that people don't understand. You think that you asked for it, so you deserve it. 

Then another aspect is forgiveness, allowing yourself to wallow in anger, allowing yourself to feel sorry,  to feel so pained. The feeling that you are trapped and no one to talk to. The society that you exist in does not believe in the so called equality and have not given you the opportunity to express. 

So confused, so doubted, feeling deep in the trench you just want it all to end.

Then your children, says mommy-- you snap out of it. They are suppose to be the reason for living yet you don't feel like it. Yet you feel like they shouldn't know what happened. 

I don't know if I should go back to normal again. Should I slowly forgive? Should I slowly do better for myself. I am still frustrated and I feel so angry. 

I blame the people who put me in this situation, I don't want to deal with any of it. 

If the God that both of us had served and prayed to allowed this to happen. Then might as well not pray anymore. 

What is the reason for living? To show off? to prove that you are a somebody?